How Long To Wait Between Relationships
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There are several different ways to avoid a relationship if you’re feeling anxious about it.
There’s the “break it and then fix it” method, which can be intimidating when the break is permanent.
You’re broken up now, so what does “make it better” mean? You can’t go back and fix broken hearts.
There’s also the “be with them before the newness wears off” method, which can lead to a lopsided relationship.
You put a lot of energy into one person, and they dump you for someone new.
Then, you’re so focused on being the best boyfriend, that you end up losing the best friend, sister, or significant other you’ve ever had.
Have you ever been in one of these relationships? What did you learn?
If you aren’t feeling attracted to them, you won’t feel attracted to them
The most common problem people have when avoiding a relationship is being too attracted to someone else.
If you find yourself thinking about someone else when you should be thinking about someone else, you’ve probably entered the dating avoidance zone.
A study that compared hundreds of college-aged men to an attractive female was conducted to learn why the men would date attractive women but have reservations about having sex with them.
The study discovered that if the woman was in an “approach receptive” state, then the man would feel interested in having sex.
However, when the woman was in an “avoidant receptive” state, the man would feel ambivalent about having sex with her.
This pattern was found regardless of the woman’s relationship status.
The researchers concluded that, because men generally show more interest in dating or marrying women who are “approach receptive,” if you show more attraction to someone else, you’ll want to avoid a relationship.
So, what should you do?
Once you recognize that you’re acting in an avoidance state and need to approach and “be with” someone, try to focus on who they are as a person.
If you’re attracted to their kindness, personality, or overall smile, enjoy what they have to say. Avoid engaging in “killer” conversations, like asking what’s new with them and “impressing” them with anything you think they should be impressed by.
Be yourself, but don’t let their opinion define you or get in the way of connecting. Don’t be afraid to see them again, and if you’re still interested, take a risk and make a move.
If you still don’t want to have a relationship, break up
In my experience, breakups are the worst. Sometimes, breaking up can be just what the doctor ordered.
You can start over with someone new. Maybe you’ll end up with someone who’s just as nice as your ex, or maybe you’ll find someone who will treat you better.
Sometimes, breaking up can be a good thing. Think of all the awesome relationships you’ve had and how much you’ve learned from them.
You can share those experiences with someone new if you start a new relationship.
This is probably the best way to find your true love, someone who will have similar experiences, strengths, and weaknesses as you.
But, breaking up can be difficult, even for the pros. Getting dumped sucks.
You’re disappointed. You feel sad. Sometimes, breaking up can be just what the doctor ordered.
You can start over with someone new, who is ready for a relationship, ready to “be with” you, and ready to take your love the way you want to.
Sometimes, breaking up can be the best thing you can do for someone.
This is what you have to decide for yourself.
When breakups are the best choice for you
When I was dating men for the first time, one thing I noticed was that I was constantly pushing them away.
My actions seemed to say, “Go away. Don’t try to talk to me. I don’t want to be with you.”
Dating was getting harder and harder because I was getting progressively less attracted to the men I was dating.
I was sending the opposite of what I was sending out. The adage of “it’s better to be single and lonely than have someone and be lonely” was true.
So, I decided to let men in. I broke the cardinal rule and let men kiss me. I allowed them to come to me and to spend time with me.
This, of course, only made them want to spend more time with me. And, the men I dated were able to see me in a new way.
The more time they spent with me, the more they could see how amazing I was.
I needed to figure out how to get myself out of the “approach reactive” state, so I did some research.
What I discovered was that my behavior and actions were simply sending out different types of signals.
Instead of wanting to pursue men, I wanted to avoid them. I became aggressive when men wanted to pursue me.
What I wasn’t aware of, however, was the result of my actions.
Men were taking me up on my words, but I wasn’t getting any closer to meeting someone who really wanted to be with me.
And, this was impacting my relationships, as well as my personal life.