Unfortunately, I am in the 2% of people that have never had a significant other before, which for the average person, is either supposed to make me crazy, in denial or giving excuses, all three!
I spend a good chunk of time getting to know new people, I would say about 30 to 40% of the time I am out socializing, but in the end, I am always left with an empty feeling.
I have very few true friends, I used to talk to them almost every day, then they just stopped calling or coming over, it just breaks my heart that they just move on to other friends without acknowledging me.
I feel neglected, and I wish it was different.
I am always a very social person, I don't turn down an opportunity to hang out with friends or family, so what's wrong?
I want to meet new friends, that's not the issue, it's just that I don't know how to make new friends.
If you know me, then you know that the way I am is that I'm never mean to anyone, so if I say something or do something to offend you I am sure as hell not trying to be malicious, but I am always friendly and outgoing.
So here I am, bored at home, and they are all out there having fun, and I am here with a bunch of people that I don't know, who are comfortable being around me, I feel like an outsider.
I think it's time for me to change my ways.
I want to stop talking about the friends that have been hurt, and start reaching out to other people.
I know that a big part of the problem here is that I have never dated or had a significant other before, so I feel like I am always depending on my friends.
I know I am not the pickiest person, but I don't think my standards are very high.
I mean, I will date someone if it's someone I really like and who is compatible with me, but I have not had my sights set on any girl I have ever met, so I am not dating anybody, I am talking to a bunch of people, but nobody is the one.
Even when I was dating and/or seeing someone, I rarely ever felt like I was missing out on other good friendships that I had, I had made the mistake of talking about the new girls I was dating before realizing that I had started a trend.
So I guess I am changing this.
I am letting go, and I am moving on, maybe if I spend more time thinking about myself and making new friends, I will find someone that I really click with.
I don't want to be alone forever, I don't want to be lonely forever.
All I can say is that I hope it works because I would really hate to be alone for the rest of my life.
Although I am now in a fairly happy and content relationship, I know I could be more of a help to her in her life and the lives of our children.
I have always had a hard time giving up control and trust.
I keep finding that I have given all of this control to people, I am trusting people to do things that they probably should not be doing, but I guess I am willing to risk it because it's not worth the anxiety of possibly being betrayed.
Maybe this just comes with age.
But, why am I telling you this?
Well, because I want you to think about your own personal relationships.
When is the last time that you had a friend that you let go of control in the relationship?
It probably won't come as a surprise that I am an introvert, I like being alone.
I prefer to spend time with just a few friends, where I can share all of my intimate thoughts and secrets.
I have always had trouble building genuine friendships with my introverted friends, I am afraid of being a burden to them and I like the comfort of the safety of being in a small group of friends where it is easy to be open with each other.
I have always avoided "relationships" because it scares the shit out of me.
I see how messed up my family relationships have been, and I know that I can never truly have a relationship.
This is something I have done my whole life.
I just assumed that it was normal.
Well, now I am realizing that it is not and that I have been living a lie.
I am starting to open my eyes to the fact that maybe I am the only one who feels this way.