I’m sorry because it’s really the other person that is usually the one who is trying to get me to apologize!
They’re trying to get me to agree that it’s okay to take me out because I’m an asshole. I’m sorry if I offended you, but I’m not sorry that I am calling you a fucking asshole, because that is what you are.
I am here to try and figure out why people think it’s a good idea to tell me I’m an asshole without even telling me I’m an asshole first.
“I’m sorry that I was rude to you, but…”
The “but” isn’t in front of the word sorry. This should be obvious, but you’re using the word “sorry” like it’s an apology instead of an “I’m sorry for what you just said.”
If you find someone insulting you, you’re saying to them, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to control my temper.”
If you find someone making a sexual comment that you aren’t comfortable with, you are saying to them, “I’m sorry that you are making a sexual comment that I find inappropriate.”
You are telling the person that you’re sorry that they felt a certain way that is not actually a real apology.
Why should you care about your feelings at all? Why should you be so desperate to make someone feel better about what they just said?
I mean, it’s okay for someone to feel offended when someone insults them, right?
They’re human beings and they get feelings. They are entitled to their feelings.
First of all, who is to say what someone is entitled to feel? You can tell someone that their comment was offensive, but they may just believe you because that’s what they want to believe.
This means that you are not really apologizing. You’re simply saying to the person that you’re sorry you found what they said offensive, but you’re not really sorry that they made that comment in the first place.
You can tell someone that their comment was offensive, but they may just believe you because that’s what they want to believe.
For example, you go to your friend, Michael, and you tell him that you’re really upset that he says offensive things to you in text messages like “I’d say we got the upper hand on the other team, but we don’t have an upper hand, we have a fucking fart in our pants.”
Okay, that’s a horrible thing to say, and it’s not appropriate for anyone, let alone your best friend.
But what if Michael replies, “It was a joke.”
“So it’s okay for you to say that but not okay for me to say that?”
“It was a joke.”
But now Michael feels that you’re offended that he is not taking you seriously when you’re telling him that what he said was offensive.
There are so many more examples, but the point is, you can’t talk yourself into feeling better. You can’t ask a person if you’re making them feel offended in the moment when you think they might be.
If someone is angry, you can say, “I’m really upset about what you said. I don’t think you should be making those jokes.”
But you can’t go from “I’m really upset about what you said” to “I’m really sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
Apologies are only as good as the words that are used to express them. Saying “I’m sorry that you think I’m fat” is not an apology.
Likewise, apologizing for being hurt by what someone said, when in reality, you don’t even understand what they are saying, is not an apology.
So maybe your friend called you a whore. Maybe it was a joke and you laughed in his face because you thought it was a joke.
You know that you didn’t actually think it was funny, but you laughed because you thought it was a joke, and you’re sorry you laughed.
Or maybe your friend insulted your personal body and you’re just wondering why he thought it was okay to make those comments, but you’re really not that offended because you’re not a whore.
Those are your words, and they’re very important. So, if you want to apologize, you should really be ready to truly apologize. You should truly be sorry.
I’m sorry that you think I’m a whore. I’m sorry that you think I’m fat.
If you’re telling someone that they’re a whore and that you think they’re fat and that you are angry, you aren’t sorry.
You just said that. There’s nothing wrong with those statements.
Because the truth is, there’s nothing to apologize for.
People can say whatever they want to you and you just don’t have to give a fuck.
So if someone says that you’re a whore and you laugh and don’t say, “That’s not true,” or, “I’m offended,” that’s not an apology.
This goes for really harmful things. If you hear that a friend’s parent died or they’re seriously ill, you don’t have to say, “Oh no. I’m so sorry to hear that,” because you didn’t actually care about that person when they were alive.
You were just using them. You were using that person to get what you want. I don’t apologize for that. I don’t have to.
If someone says, “Hey! I hear you’re a whore!” and you’re offended, don’t apologize. I don’t have to.
If someone calls you a whore, tell them, “That’s not true, and I’m not offended by it.”
If they say, “Well, you’re not really a whore, you’re just used to getting whatever you want,” just say, “You’re right, and I am not offended.”